the sorrow of motherhood
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i realize for some this may be an unusual way to start a post…but as mothers everywhere know, the moment you give birth to a child, a piece of your heart lives outside of your body…& so we feed them, kiss their boo boos, snuggle them & such…we try to protect them & simultaneously prepare them for the world…& sometimes the unthinkable happens…so today i am going to share some very personal details about our lives & my journey of motherhood…please note although i will address some serious health issues, i am not a medical professional…if you are concerned about your child’s health, please seek professional medical help…my goal is to simply share our story in hopes that i might help another mother with their own…(some of the images may be a hard to look at) & so here is our story….
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this is my SON…
he is vibrant & funny…an incredible athlete…
a subtle mix of tenderness & independence…..
& this is my son…a child with everything in front him who can be anything he wants
and on january 4th, 2012 he was diagnosed with
let me share a little background on how we got to this…the holidays were hard this year…between my husband & i and our three lovely children…if one of us catches the flu, it seems to make it’s way through our home making us sick one by one…so this christmas was less cheer & more coughs…we all battled a variety of symptoms…slight to serious fevers, aches & pains, throwing up…ughhh…it was a drag…but i am well equipped for these situations…i make tea & administer medications…i run baths & make little beds on the couch…i am good at this kind of mothering…i love to give comfort when one of my babies doesn’t feel well…sooooo, my SON got it rather bad…as if the flu took hold of his little body & wouldn’t let go…i was not too concerned because i had felt pretty bad, so i thought i knew what he was dealing with…he just started to look so frail to me…he was so hungry but seemed to be loosing weight…i guess that’s because he was still throwing up from time to time…my mind made me think it was all so normal…yah, he was so tired…but he had the flu, so that’s was normal…he was peeing the bed alot…but truth be told my SON has always been a bed wetter (oh, he’s gonna be so mad at me for sharing that)….so one night i started plugging in his symptoms in GOOGLE…shockingly, he had several symptoms of TYPE 1 DIABETES…i was at once alarmed & dismissive…WTF…my mother had in passing a week or so before noticed how my SON always seemed to be thirsty & that that was a sign of DIABETES…WTF…i hadn’t given it much thought until that night on my computer…& everything started adding up to the unthinkable…so in the middle of the night i left a frantic message on my SON’s pediatricians voicemail…i was ranting into the phone about DIABETES & is there any chance my sweet little athletic sharp witted sensitive son could have it ??? when i woke up in the morning, i instantly regretted leaving the message…i was an annoying mother, trying to self diagnose my SON…i made an appointment with our pediatrician & was already working on my apology for leaving the intense message…our pediatrician would then gently scold me for googling his symptoms & tell me everything was fine, that the flu was going around & he’d be better in a day or so…WRONG…she walked into the examination room took one look at my SON…and said “oh my goodness, what’s happened to him?”…her face was kind & serious…& i began to panic…within 5 minuted she had tested his URINE & BLOOD…she walked back into the room & looked my squarely in the eye & said “i don’t want you to panic”(ummm, too late)…”i have called for an ambulance”…she continued, “you were right, your SON does have diabetes & he NEEDS to be in the hospital”…WTF…deep breath…hot tears start running down my face…even though i googled this, i don’t exactly know what it means, but somewhere deep inside i know it is not good…then i remember we are only a few blocks form the hospital…i remind her, & suggest i just drive him there…she looks at me & says he is in SERIOUS danger & NEEDS to be in an ambulance…WTF…the next moments are a bit of a blur…
i am in full blown panic…i am simultaneously having a bit of a breakdown & comforting my son who is rather stoic & calm…we are in the ambulance & then in the emergency room….a little side note about emergency rooms…most mother’s know a trip to the emergency room is unpleasant & is usually met with several hours of waiting…my SON was immediately given a room & a bed…he was hooked up to an IV & a series of doctor’s were checking on him & explaining things to me…i secretly wished they would ignore me…i knew the prompt attention meant only one thing…this was BAD…really bad…somehow amidst all the commotion, i called my husband & told him everything…he was pulling our daughter’s out of school & heading to the hospital…so there i was with my sweet little SON…he looked so frail & sick…my brain could hardly digest was was happening…several doctor’s said we were so lucky…WTF…lucky??? OMG…then my SON was whisked into ICU…seriously WTF…connected to tubes…they kept poking him…& began administering insulin…i learned he was in DIABETIC KETOSIS…his blood sugar was over 900…none of this really meant anything to me…it was just all so scary…i kept trying to feel lucky, but somehow all i could muster was desperation…to add insult to injury…my SON is afraid of shots…yup, he literally tries to escape anytime he has to have one…so as the information unfolded & i realized the TYPE 1 DIABETES is an autoimmune disease, that currently there is no cure for…he will need 4-5 shots everyday for the rest of his life…serious WTF…how do i explain to my SON what my brain can hardly understand…& so here we are…my son has TYPE 1 DIABETES…& i am inexplicably now immersed in the sorrow of motherhood….
SYMPTOMS OF
Type 1 Diabetes
(what i know now/that i wish i had known earlier)
-Frequent urination-
(my son had this, but for us it was not completely unusual, as i explained he was a bed wetter)
-Unusual thirst-
(my son had this too, but he plays hard & so it only made sense that he would be thirsty)
-Extreme hunger-
(he had this too, this was most hard to explain away,
because he wanted to eat all the time but was loosing weight)
-Unusual weight loss-
(again he has always been a lanky kid, but when i look at the photos now,
i am stunned by how thin he is, he lost almost 10 pounds in 2 weeks)
-Extreme fatigue & Irritability-
(look, he is an eight year old boy who plays hard & has mood swings,
so i hardly thought this was a symptom, but in hindsight…wow)
-Blurry vision-
(this is the saddest part to me…after his diagnosis, when the nurses asked him
about his eyesight, he said he was having a hard time seeing…i had never asked)
-Constantly tired-
(yup, he seemed so tired, but he was eating alot & active…this so could
have been a growth spurt, easy to explain this one away too)
but all of them together = the unthinkable
TYPE 1 DIABETES
to all mothers out there…the one small token of advice i’d like give is this…
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
i knew something wasn’t right…i felt it…i wanted to be wrong…i still want to be wrong…DIABETES is hard to diagnose, becasue it does look like the flu…it is easy to miss…our pediatrician visited me the first night my SON was in the ICU…(i love her btw…she is smart & patient & kind beyond measure)…anyhow, she looked in my tear stained face & said “i think you saved your son’s life”…WTF…i looked at her baffled & said “what do you mean?”…she said “because of the voicemail you left, the fact that you mentioned DIABETES, made me look at your son through a different lense”…she continued, “i may have thought he just had the flu, like the rest of your family”…you see, my SON did have the flu…& that somehow trigged the DIABETES…it is not an obvious diagnosis…TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS…risk being wrong…or annoying or whatever…
….this is the day we left the hospital….
our days & nights are full of finger pricks & injections…
my sweet little SON has become a human pin cushion…
& we are truly trying to embrace a “new normal”…..
on the mend…this was taken last week at home with his SISTERS…xoxo
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i plan to post from time to time about his progress…i know there
are mothers eveywhere dealing with their own unthinkable sorrow
…my heart goes out to you…
All I wish you now is corage to be brave and help your son to deal with diabetes in the best way possible.
A big hug to you all.
My younger brother was diagnosed with Type I when he was 2. He is now 26. He had the same symptoms: the frequent bathroom stops, waking up in the middle of the night screaming because his blood sugar was so low, yet we could not wake him - yet we had no idea what was happening or why it was happening. I remember the tears - from them both - when my mom had to give him his insulin. But, you are strong. And so is he. Hugs to you.
i just want you to know that your son is going to be ok. he has a good mother in you. i look forward to reading updates on how strong your son (and family) are growing!
I am so sorry to hear this news. I am also a mother, and I've had diabetes since I was 8 years old. My diagnosis story is actually pretty similar to your son's. With excellent management on your part and medical care, he will lead a very normal and healthy life. I have had an insulin pump since my late teens. I would strongly recommend looking into a pump for your son. Instead of shots 4-5 times a day, he would just need to change the site once every three days. I have found that my A1Cs are much better when using a pump, and it's far less hassle. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions. Best wishes to you and your family!
I have lived with the ER waiting impatiently for paperwork so that they can hook up my child to antibiotics. I have never seen ER personnel hover before and it is the most scary thing in the world. My daughter was considered an adult at the time but she was still MY child.
Just know my thoughts are with you. You brought tears to my eyes with this post.
blessings,
elizabeyta
I encourage you to check out Team Type 1. It is an entire of cyclists with Type 1diabetes. The owner's mom, a personal friend of mine, went through a similar experience as you. Her son, Phil, went on to become a world renown cyclist and eventually formed several teams. If you would like to contact them, please reach out to me for an introduction. Here are some articles you might find of interest.
http://uga.edu/gm/ee/pdf/pgs_32-37.pdf
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/riva-greenberg/living-with-type-1-diabetes_b_992787.html
Warmest regards,
Julia
xxx
My oldest brother, Brian, got juvenile onset type 1 diabetes at the age of 14. At the point when my parents realized that something was really very wrong and that this wasn't just a flu bug, they brought him to the hospital. When they diagnosed him, the doctors had the scary responsibility to inform my parents that his blood sugar level was at 1040 and if they had waited 2 more hours to bring him in, he would have died. The 1040 blood sugar level was a state record high at the time (for those of you that don't know, normal blood sugar levels are around 100).
Brian will be 39 next week, and is in good health. Diabetes is not a death sentence, it's just a condition that needs to be managed. He lives a normal life, but just has to be aware of his blood sugar and pay attention to what his body meeds. And he even still get to eat cake once in awhile :)
I understand about being a mother and how hard it is for us to deal with sicknesses, disabilities and accidents.
I felt like I wanted to die when my son Ricky was diagnosed with Autism at age 2 even though in my heart I felt
there was something different about him months prior. But by the grace of God I deal with it.
I also remember my son falling from the top of the staircase ledge at age 8 and breaking is wrist completely to wear his wrist was hanging sideways. I did call the ambulance because he fell 9 feet onto the stairs and I did not see it and was not sure what else he had broken. He lasks social and verbal skills so it made it even more difficult.
I went with him in the ambulance and stayed up all night with him till the nurses, doctors and orthopetic surgeon were done.
One thing I did not do could not do was stay in the room as the doctor rebroke his wrist and set it. That was a job for my husband. But this to passed and at 13 his wrist is perfect.
Your handsome son will be just fine. Blessings-Maria
The road ahead it not a pleasant or happy one but will unite you together like you never thought possible. At this moment I'm sure all you are thinking about is survival. The days will become clearer, but grief will follow.
The one thing that I wish my parents had done for me- and looking back I knew that what they wanted what was best for my body-giving me the resources, technology and the very best to protect my health. But what they left out was my mental health, what I needed most was emotional healing. It took me years, but the very best thing I did for myself was to see a counselor and work through the anger, frustration and hurt from the burden of this illness that I felt I didn't deserve.
The days when I cried over each injection and each finger prick slowly faded and each adjustment just became a part of normal every day living.
Although it may not seem like it now, everything will be ok.
I am praying for your family.
Thank you for sharing your story and I will keep your little man in my thoughts.
Christine
Jess
From Brasil
my heart is heavy for your experience and story. i hope for the strong endurance of a child's innocent and happy heart & will for your son. thank you for sharing.
ok - I'm trying to edit this comment and for some reason it won't let me - I meant to say keep researching anything you question - Keeps you on your toes -
For all the hope that you've given me and the world with the beauty you capture, I wanted to offer some hope back to you.
I have been doing a lot of ameteur research into a lot of scientific research accomplished by others. There is so much information out there above and beyond these short posts, but I wanted to be able to just open the avenue to you in case you found it useful. I know it's helped me tremendously with my own auto-immune and mental health symptoms.
http://whole9life.com/2011/03/the-whole30-type-1-diabetes/
http://wholefamilystrong.com/praise-reports/
Best to you and your family,
Kristina
The life adjustment was huge, nothing will ever be the same. But life is good. We do what we need to to keep him healthy...and live our lives. He's sweet, humourous, and happy. We don't live around the diabetes-the diabetes lives around us.
{{{{HUGS}}}} My thoughts are with you.
Mae.
I know this was a few months back, but I hope he is doing well. Thank you for sharing your personal story, I loved this piece, I can hear every inch of your personality! :)
P.s I have no idea why I read it in a cockney accent :)
The paramedics treated him as having an asthma attack, not an allergic reaction.
The ER doctor treated the asthma, not the allergic reaction.
The ER nurses immediately treated the allergic reaction with intervenous Benedryl and steroids. Within 20 minutes, he was recovering.
He stayed in the hospital for two days, because he did have pneumonia. But my gut was right. The pediatrician also came to see me the next morning and told me so too.
Trust yourself and speak up.
I am learning.
Wishing you courage and conviction on your journey with your son.